TO BUY OR NOT TO BUY...

"there's no such thing as window shopping"

I like shops...all kinds of shops only when I have the "means". I wouldn't call myself a shopaholic because I do not possess such qualifications but I like to indulge in one or two or six items once in a while. So this week started off well, I got out my list of "to do things" and I made a promise to myself that  I would leave campus and go into town to buy a few presents for my friends and get them posted imminently. In all honesty I didn't consider myself as a menace to my bank card but a revelation has been made known and I'll be damned if I do not take heed. 


I started with one little shop, it was so pretty, had all these cardboards, colours and ribbons. First thought that came to my mind was "Take the cardboards, glue and glitter. You've always wanted to create your own cards plus imagine how much fun you'll have cutting all the pieces of paper!" I got a basket and dropped in whatever my hand could pick. Second thought "Remember those sewing classes you had and you produced that horrendous apron with one belt way shorter than the other? This is your time to shine and prove to yourself that your sewing skills have grown with your age." (self Competition is so foolish at times.) I put colourful thread and a sewing kit in my basket humming to a cover of Ne-yo and Rihanna's "hate that i love you" (which by the way was a disastrous attempt, don't get me started).
Reality set in when I was walking to the counter to pay for  my "goodies" and wisdom knocked stupidity out of the way. Was I gonna pay with my big eyes? I dropped the basket on the floor and walked out with shame. Third thought "hobbycraft is overrated anyway!"


Finally moving on to what brought me to the mall, I have my friends and their personalities in mind as I pick out their gifts that I have procrastinated for months. I keep putting stuff in the bag but not looking at the prices hoping for some miracle that when I get to the pay point, the server will be so sweet and pack my items without charging me a penny! I feel the bag getting heavier, a sign that I should probably be taking some clothes out and heading for the exit. I came in to spend less than 30 minutes, but here I am, time moving so fast only to realise I have spent 2 hours of my life choosing between a plain white t-shirt and another plain white t-shirt like my life depended on it and neither of these t-shirts were for the people who were the core reason for my mall visit!


I joined the queue, making my way to the till and happy with everything in my bag. In fact, I nodded to myself as a sign of approval and if it wasn't for the heaviness of the bag, a pat on the shoulder was in order. The lady ceased to be nice when she "blurted" out the amount to pay. You wouldn't believe what happened? I laughed out so loud because I am that ridiculous. Bless her soul, she laughed with me. Easy for her, because she was selling me temptation. I walked out with my nice burden as I was too afraid of asking her to remove some items. 
Now I foresee days characterised with meagre resources, and I have learned my lesson that wallets and malls are not synonymous and that one must keep those two worlds separate.

FINDING YOU+me and FOREVER...

When you find yourself, your true self, you start to want better out of life. You desire better not only for yourself but also for everyone around you. Until you are comfortable with the person you are, you will always be fighting with a million other people for second best. I am quite the shy person, and this has been my faithful burden among many others over the many years. When I was a young girl, I never spoke up in class, never put my hand up...quite frankly I never understood why I was in class to begin with! I just always preferred to let people talk lest I am made fun of. Insecurities do attack us at an early age and it doesn't help if there's no one to help you through the "transition ages". 
I don't know how many people can relate to this but secondary school, I could never take my sweater off, I let the sun roast me to fine coal and denied myself fresh air. I honestly just didn't think my body was made for any fabric. Who do you confide in with all these intricate issues when everyone around you is going through the same exact situation? So we start to evolve, our bodies start to gain some commendable shape, some of us grow tall, some...not so much but we all grow. 
What we don't realise is that, we still have our childhood insecurities by our sides, we still seek attention like little babies, still selfish, and we still take people down because our hearts are empty by running our mouths with thoughtless words that cut deep. We are not saints but that shouldn't be our excuse. We are insecure because we are not comfortable with who we really are plus many other reconcilable factors, so this frustration builds up and we lose sight of ourselves.


Take time off regularly to find yourself every time you lose balance. we are always in need of reinvention. I for example, find pleasure in eating alone, I know some people would die before that happened and that's very understandable but I use these alone times to reflect on my life, what could be done better, try to remember all the constructive criticisms plus I get to eat in whatever manner I please without being judged. I do live for such dates with myself. I find that I am most honest when I am with myself and I like that a lot.

I am still a bit shy, the difference is I have learned to be comfortable with myself and not burden those close to me with my cross, One must do more than survive in this world of ours. I made a choice to want better in life. I found myself, and I appreciate that I have a body that shouldn't be stuffed to death with sweaters although I have a closet full of non cashmere sweaters. I can put my hand up for an hour if I wanted to after all opinions are not facts. And how to deal with big crowds and group conversations? Just laugh and nod all the time...if a person wants your opinion on a subject, they will ask you directly. There's no need to compete with everyone for talking space as if it's a campaign for chairman!

Psalms 139:14, (NIV) I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

VALENTINES DAY

TAKE ONE...
Valentine's day?WHAT??? If it's not a public holiday then I don't want to know! I personally think it's the most useless day that forced itself on the calendar. It's an excuse for card industries who made losses in the previous business year to make it rain red! 
manager: hmm...our "you're leaving?may the chicken of happiness and the sausage of prosperity follow you wherever you go" cards did not bring in the profits last year.SOLUTIONS PEOPLE?
Person x: *light bulb* I know, let's make extra valentines day cards to make up for that!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who died and made you santa claus? I don't know but I think St. Valentine (bless his soul) was "attention seeking". To entertain myself, I imagine St. Valentine as the most intelligent martyr. He has shares in gyms (for those who will indulge in pity chocolate fest prior to February 14th), shares in chocolate industries (for all of us chocolate lovers), jewellery shops (diamonds are a girl's best friend) the list is inexhaustible. Smart man if you ask me!


Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in all things love. I am a sucker for happy endings but what's a "love day" if it's going to throw people over the bridge? A day that reminds people of their insignificance? A day that could end a perfectly good relationship because one did not take into account the other partner's sensitive nature? What good can come out of a day like this? aren't we supposed to celebrate love everyday? Do we all not deserve to be lavished with beautiful words everyday? Should there be a day that reminds lovers of their duties and obligations? 
Last week I found myself in a store and I was so embarrassed to even glimpse at that section..."pweez be my valentine". First of all, baby talk is a NO NO... secondly, PWEEZ? What are you? A foetus? ...I was just ashamed really...I bought a card for my best friend and as I was paying for it, I felt like I had sold my dignity to the cashier. 

TAKE TWO...
Valentine's day? I love valentines day. Lovers remember to show appreciation to each other, exchange gifts...it's like christmas in February and you can look forward to November babies. It's all cheesy and people have a valid excuse to sing silly love songs and look a bit rosier than usual. 


We should love everyday, hold hands everyday, smile everyday and say "I love you" everyday.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY LOVERS!

I recommend "The Note book" for this day.

little light burning bright...for my friends...the stars.

When I look at you, a lot goes through my mind…I start with how did I get so lucky? Then I define feature by feature until I have mastered your face so that when I sleep I can remember what you look like. I look at you as though you were not from the earth, like you were magically created and the beauty that is you can be seen by me in ways no one else can. Like I were in a fairy land and God was just as kind as to bring me a playmate…locked away in my own world you came…you didn’t sweep me off my feet, you didn’t blow me away but you spoke a language I understood, a language I had long forgotten, you spoke without words, and you felt me without touching…you…you…you just made me feel so complete. 

It feels like I knew you before I knew me, you knew me before I knew me, you had a secret no one had, the one that knew how to make me laugh, how to make me humble, how to love even more, how to smile with my eyes, how to walk with a skip in my step, how to dance, how to be, how to NEED you and how to want you…you knew me before I knew me.

When you embrace me with those beautiful hands of yours, I feel your heart beating faster than mine, like it’s pumping blood for two people, like mine had left my body and evaporated only to settle in yours… your arms, my haven…never wanting to let go and holding you for dear life because I feel safe when am with you. Then you look at me, I smile…too shy to hold your gaze…you still look at me, I see that same kindness the very first time I saw you. The very same sincerity that drew me to you, your eyes, such beautiful things that see through me to the very core of my soul.

You came and made camp in my life, even when you didn’t understand my ways, my fragility hidden in my rock hard walls, you made a fire and camped in the coldness of my heart, taking down stone by stone getting rid of my wall, and you said it, you said it would be okay if I just trusted you

LIFE IN THE GRACE LANE...

What does it mean to live fully with grace? To enjoy every moment? To live your life? I have been reading a lot of books on the "life" subject. Thoughts about rightful living have been my daily companions. The other day I almost walked into a wall, thinking my brains out! I don't know if I have lived my life the way God envisioned. By God's grace I have accomplished a few of my life goals and that makes me content, but when you meet a well learned and accomplished lawyer who demands to know your next step in life, what's the right response? "I want to take a year off after my degree so I can see the world for what it is, and then go back to university for further studies if it is as harsh a world as everybody makes it out to be." she looked at me, and I could read judgement in her eyes because to her I lacked direction. Maybe i did, maybe i didn't...


What's so wrong with a year off? I'll be done with mandatory school plus I have the perfect plans for my year off. I will take cookery classes to acquire the right skills for when I get married and have children,(I know I am going to be a career woman but I don't want to abandon my duties) I don't want my family to be eating out, in this economy we need to save as much money as we can. I will be superwoman. I will then be reunited with my old friend "french" and we will kick it off from where we had left. I will learn french inside out till I can dream in it...oh yes, travel! I haven't been to most parts of Africa, I think I owe it to myself to educate self on the mystery that is Africa. I will then tackle my social skills which by the way are a total disaster! So I will meet lots of new people, we will have tea with hot scones, late lunches filled with "what?me too!" I will certainly invest in that. I am spoilt for choice!


Haven't we all lived according to what society has drawn out for us? Nursery, primary, secondary, university, employment, marriage, children and death. Most of us have studied nightmares of courses because that's what our parents wanted. Don't get me wrong, it's important that we honour our parents wishes as tuition flows from their bank accounts and they only want the best for us, but when do we stop and take control? Do we live our lives with grace in what is already set out for us? Or do we live our lives with grace in what we choose for ourselves?


I don't have the answers, I haven't exactly lived gracefully. I do try, but I haven't wrapped my finger around the whole concept. I find myself worrying about the future, complaining about the wrongs in this world, plans to save the whole world like as if it were really up to me, critically thinking about everything. Like seriously, if the "dwellers" club was created, I would vote myself as chairman of the club and second my vote because I dwell on issues like I were earning my livelihood from it. No, I haven't lived gracefully or lived in the moments.

On the bright side, I am starting to reorganise my life, seeking after God's heart and letting Him be in control regardless of my persnickety character. Listening and seeking advice because sometimes even I get it wrong. Letting life fall in place and learning to live a little without pulling out my "10 step ahead programme". We don't know what the future holds, but we shall not be shaken. Uncertainty lingers, but there's really no need for alarm...maybe living with grace is letting God set out that life which He predestined for us. At least we have something to wait upon!

HE SMILES DOWN ON US FROM HEAVEN...IT SHOWS IN ALL THE GOOD THINGS HE GIVES US...
THANK YOU GOD FOR LOVING US INFINITELY.

       

Dear sweet thing,
Today is such a cold day, 2 degrees celsius to be precise...I have literally clothed myself in ALL the contents of my closet including my handkerchiefs! I was quite productive, I studied without complaining like the Israelites, I laughed, I listened, I forgave, I loved and so I feel like I deserve to treat myself to chips from sultan's kebab shop in coventry with the gang. I like days like these, counting my blessings and counting some twice. I'd probably want to go feed ducks with you, telling you about my long day, laughing at people who are dressed for spring and then you would make a comment on my clothes because I always manage to get it wrong weather wise. (I do have a craving for sunshine). You'd probably want to hold my hand and because of my emotional incapability at times I would laugh nervously, sometimes you let it slide, some other times you would grab my hand regardless of the initial struggle, wonder what you'll do the next time?


We'd banter and giggle like little 12 year old girls...see, that's the thing about spending time with you, it never gets boring or tedious or old...you always manage to have a "stash" of story upon story for every moment. I have never found anyone who gives such good stories...well, I have found one or two but problem is they aren't you. Your stories are always inclusive. That's what makes you so special, your ability to make everyone feel comfortable around you. You manage to include the gang in your life, You seriously honor "what's mine is yours", no one can't help but love you...you are just that awesome.    
We'd walk back together probably making a complaint about the weather or hunger or how our bodies have failed to be whipped into fine shape and want our money back, always encouraging each other! I'd tell you about a person who merely displeased me and you'd quickly protect me from them and you'd shake your head and express utter disdain that such people who did nothing but make me unhappy graced the earth with their presence.


See, you manage to make me feel like you're my earthly protector made by God just for me. There's nothing too shameful to talk about or too simple to pass for trivia...small and large you give it the same attention. Ever wonder why we hover around you? So maybe I will see you soon and we'll embrace and you'll feed my eager soul with some of your tales. I hope that your day was as delightful as mine. If it wasn't, don't you worry your pretty head, for I have the little miss sunshine seal of approval and I will make you SMILE.

xxx