Bed time thoughts and Swollen red eyes : open letter

I feel so tired tonight, I have come to the end of my physical strength. I am sore, I have these unexplainable little bruises all over my hands, and my hair could honestly use a wash, but above all that, I am content.  I sit in my bed thinking about how much we have changed. Do you feel yourself changing? Changing into somebody that you actually like or love? (Maybe we will discuss this another day) yeah?

I think about how much we all don't communicate as often as we used to. It doesn't mean that the love has grown cold. Sometimes we are just trying to keep our heads above the water and the chaos. Personally, I have never really had a problem being in my own company, and I do love that I am comfortable being my every waking moment companion and that in itself might be a slight problem for me. My communication skills are progressively becoming worse and I do feel awful that I cannot be constantly on phone like the old days (definition of old days: four days back). I don't want to be caught up in the busy world and forget who truly matters.
Tonight when I close my eyes, I will have mind conversations with my people, and in my mind, we will laugh up a storm, and tell each other how much we miss us. I may not be able to finish my mind conversations because sleep will take over but I will have that Mona Lisa kind of smile tattooed on my lips.

I think about how gracious God is to us. I think about how He is enough if we let Him be, and I think about how He has been constant through the trials and the victory dances. Next week is hillsong conference, and boy-oh-boy I am ecstatic. I cannot wait for Friday to get here and pull out TGIF (rightfully so). My heart is wide open, I am so expectant, my voice is ready, I think am going to pack a leotard for the dance numbers...I must get it right people. So, I am looking forward to that and to sharing that experience with my friends. I know without a doubt, it's going to be the beginning of a whole new better chapter in my life...do you feel it for yourself too? No?yes?maybe? Well, I hope it's a YES.
Thanking GOD that He is always overwhelming (present continuous) my heart with HIS love.

Ps. Pray for Kenya, pray for Syria, we really could use a better world.

Good bye summer time...fare thee well

Post 1: Randomness overload

I am insanely obsessed with breakfast television programs. Live with Kelly and Michael is the kind of show that could easily Lift your mood from zero to five! Who loves The Wendy Williams show? Here's the thing I love about The Wendy show, Wendy is such a good gossip broadcaster. She tells these Hollywood stories with the right amount of  zest, everyone is leaning in like it's the most important news...and get this, this gossip isn't about you (which makes it even more exciting), this gossip does absolutely nothing for your life, matter of fact it does nothing for you except waste your one hour of life but she knows how to get one hooked! I like her that Wendy, I like her a lot! She's just so entertaining.

On another random note, this morning your home girl was in Brooklyn. Hmm...I know I shouldn't be saying this because Blue Ivy Carter lives in Brooklyn BUT I really am afraid of walking in Brooklyn by myself. I do blame the movies, the stories I've heard, and the daily news for the poor depiction. Anyway, while in BK town, I successfully hailed a taxi and as I got in, I handed the driver my destination address. Still feeling like Carrie Bradshaw, minus the exquisite wardrobe, the driver indifferently asked me to "GET OUT" of his taxi. Yeah, I was as confused and shocked as you are because he hadn't started the car. We were still in the same spot where he had stopped to pick me up!!! WHAT? That is no way to treat a lady! It's tough in these streets I tell you. I actually had a 'laugh out loud' moment in my head and I immediately left his car lest violence ensued. Other than that, Brooklyn isn't as bad as it's made out to be.

Post 2: My end of summer bloggables

On the finale of The Office, Andy Bernard said, “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” *selah* 
Let's resolve to make everyday extraordinary so that we don't t have to be stuck in the past by trying to relive those moments. Create more of those good ol' days by simply being present in the now.
Summer is drawing to a close...booooo-  But am expectant for us all that the next season of our lives is going to be even better. God only has great plans for us, believe with me that our very best is yet to come.

I thought this would be a fun exercise for us to partake in;
September
* Buy something good for yourself. Why? Because you are worth it and you deserve it.
October
* Read a book. There's so much life in books, they temporarily give you a great escape from reality.
November
Birthday month...it's all about me...okay am kidding (maybe).
* Take a friend out for cocktails or a meal and handle the bill business. Remember this, it is better to give than to receive... 
December
* Cause happiness to occur to a stranger. Someone out there is waiting for something extraordinary to happen to them. There's no limit to what you can do, even a smile suffices. Let something good happen through you.
Feel free to let me know what books you'll read or what you find helpful or unhelpful with this "exercise".
xxx

Ps. I have made a few adjustments to the blog such as google translation so these posts can be translated into any language. I think that's mad cool.

White picket fence

My friend and I were having one of those almost meaningful girlfriend/boyfriend conversations over lunch. We came to the conclusion that we were young but far from ready.

This is my highly exaggerated story but mostly true.

Person I really do not care about (PIRDNCA): Are you seeing someone?

Me: *be amicable*…No

So…I was hoping that PIRDNCA would take a hint from my short response and realise that I do not want to partake in this conversation…apparently there’s a loophole in that ‘short response theory’ and it was inapplicable here.

PIRDNCA: Oh no… *face falls* you’re a girl and you won’t be like that forever…you know?

Me: No, I actually don’t know, enlighten me *mind rolls eyes, and hopes that the sarcasm was registered*

PIRDNCA: See…the problem with girls today is that you are too ambitious. Take a look at yourself, you need to stay in one place, all this travelling should stop, don’t follow your dreams and come home and do business, meet a nice young boy man, make a home and that’s the definition of a successful life, otherwise all that hair and fair skin will have gone to such terrible waste.

Me: *runs and sets self on fire* the woes of singlehood. 

I had so much to say, but I have come to understand that sometimes, it’s going to take more than diagrams to make people understand that life is not and can not be the same for every individual.

Honestly, if I were to get a man-friend right now, it would be ALL for the wrong reasons... I can think of a few;

 1.     Just so I can blow up your instagrams with pictures of our matchy matchy shoes.

Lo and behold! If he were anything like Justin Timberlake (face and body)…you would all sentence yourselves to death because I would be a total nuisance.

  2.     Just so I can use this line when my friends accuse me of being addicted to my phone… ‘Guys…you know we PANIC when we don’t communicate every second’ *straight face*

I know, I am not ready for all that responsibility because I know who I am and what I am capable of…(you know those people who look sane but are far from it? Me neither *ahem*) but more than knowing me, I know that God has appointed in advance someone for everyone… (The definition for someone here varies, could be a best friend for life, a wife, a husband, a mother or father you never had…etc. that fills that ache you feel)

When the time is right and my maturity level is soaring high, maybe I will find my person, maybe I will not. Regardless of what the future holds, I know that it will be more than fine.

I have indeed wanted to write about this particular single-phase for a while but just never got around to it, but listening to Christine Caine’s podcast on ‘Single and savvy’ sort of gave me the much needed push to write this…

Single and Savvy (This message is paraphrased)

There’s going to come a day in your life when being single feels like carrying a heavy rock around your neck, when your close friends have rings put on them and you’re still on the dance floor convulsing to ‘all the single ladies', when you have been a bridesmaid more times than your age, and when that day comes, it is going to suck. To make matters worse, everyone will be asking you, ‘when are you getting hitched?’ 
Worry not; it is possible to get over that phase (if you find yourself in that position). How? You ask. See, marriage is not the end goal in life…death is…and if you’re a believer like I am, you know that even death cannot stop you from being alive. So, if you are able to conquer death, then by all means if ever you find yourself in the ‘oh wow, 27 dresses’ situation, that too will be conquered.

Don’t go chasing rings; don’t hold off your dreams! Stop just waiting and move on with life, and at the right time whoever you’re waiting for will come…you’ve got to continue doing life…marriage is not the end goal…at least it shouldn’t be.

If your heart has reservations on a person, take your time with them. Do not end up with someone you might murder because society says ‘you must be married or you will bring shame on everyone’ (remember people are capable of bringing shame upon themselves without your assistance) don’t do things out of panic and sabotage your future. “Better to be lonely and single than lonely and married” (another situation that calls for setting fire on oneself)

People always say tone down your ambition, your search for God…perhaps then, you will be more approachable and less intimidating…*hmm…. let me ponder on that…yeah, you know what? Count me in as who cares! (Michael Scott)* If someone is intimidated by you and they want you to tone down it down a notch so you can be approachable, best believe that even when you tone down, it won’t be enough. You will most certainly lose yourself trying to impress people. That should be their struggle not yours. A man or woman should be confident and comfortable with whom they are so that they don’t have to compromise their standards. (At least that’s what I get from Nicholas Sparks’ movies)

No, I am no expert in this field at all. I do not claim to know it all. I would love for everyone to get married and be happy and eat ice cream but this is life and it is not going to happen for everyone, and if it does not happen…I want us to know that, LIFE. GOES. ON and we can still be excellent beings.

Unpredictable life

Michael Buble - Home

Taylor Swift ft Ed Sheeran - Everything has changed

*******************************************************************************

These past few weeks have been quite the unwelcome roller coaster ride! There's simply no predicting what each day or each week is going to be like. A few weeks back, I applied for an internship with United Nations Development Program and then I totally forgot about it. You know one of those things you apply for and you're like "really? what are the chances?"  Then there's this bold notice you can't miss reading after submitting the application. '...Do not contact us...only successful candidates will be contacted' (These jobs are very competitive, like some sort of olympics). 

I received the most unexpected email in my inbox last week. UNDP had contacted me...I had to proof read the email only 10 times, take it for a lab test to certify its authenticity, and after the extremely thorough checks, I proceeded to send it to my parents to verify its realness. I was asked to send in a few documents to secure my position. Now that it's all been done...waiting for a reply has been quite the hard test. 

It's been mildly overwhelming because I have had to make quick decisions regarding my impending trip home among other things that found it convenient to creep in and take a seat in my life. Don't you just dislike inconveniences? If UNDP doesn't get back to me...*crickets*. I will not be sad about it because I have been reminded that it's not my strength that got me to where I am, it's all God. If I don't get it, I will still be just as happy and celebrate the small step in. I will make as many applications to that institute until I get a restraining order...there's simply no giving up!

By the grace of God, I have managed to stay in good spirits. I guess I needed those long bath-soak hours (hadn't had those in months) To be honest, it's been a hard fight but when you set your mind to be joyful and keep it set regardless of the visible undesired situation...believe me, you will overcome all setbacks! 

Next week we are home...we come from a long line of heavy packers therefore I foresee sweat on the conveyer belt. I am looking forward to sofitel hotel, it's been a while since I stepped in a hotel...I might crawl on their floors, plus the idea of rolling around in the white sheets and jumping on that bed...*giggles* I will try to be as mature as possible. I am going to hug my mother...I think life just got better. 

Do not give up on your visions,or on yourselves...be determined to go after whatever your heart and mind is set on...do not let anyone talk you out of it. Let God help you get to where you want to be and Just do it...nike!

Recommendations
Instagram Videos (Really looking forward to seeing what people are going to post)
Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen Podcasts
Bible app (You can download that on your phones plus check out the plans too)
Joshua Radin music (been missing my candy girl lately) 
Guacamole
Ice cream and waffles
Naps...lots and lots of naps

My soul for your soul... Soul open letter

It has been exactly six months since we moved, and it has been more than everything I had expected. Initially, it wasn't easy to adjust to the system especially for my sister. At 14 years, all one wants to do is be awkward with the friends they have known for a lifetime, at that age cliques are highly recommended and the lack of her own clique made the move really hard on her. 

I on the other hand was an expert in getting lost on the subway and on the streets. I cannot count the numerous times I found myself on the opposite side of where I had to be. Madness really! My accent did not help much, people found it hard to understand. The number of times I have gotten rice instead of fries are countless! In fact, the other day someone asked if I were French (apparently I sound French) *disbelief*, my accent is anything but french. 
I terribly missed my friends, the lack of weekly deep meaningful conversations aka DMCs was overwhelming. I guess we were hit unexpectedly by the cultural shock, we could have used some orientation on this country. I do not know what you believe in, but amidst all the change, I was certain as the sun rising in the east that this is where God wanted and needed me to be. I now understand that isolation can be a good thing. Isolation is what I needed for this season, to grow as a woman, a daughter, a friend, a sister, and even learn more about who I am.

I whole heartedly believe this 'that God has only good plans for us, and if He takes you somewhere, regardless of the bumps and bruises He will see to it that everything you are meant to achieve is achieved, everything you are meant to be, you will be, and that you will live out your purpose in the new area/season/country/business you find yourself in at that very moment.' I really do believe that. 

I remember telling my pa on one of our car rides into manhattan that I never, never want to stop being amazed and I never want to get used to the fact that I can access New York (my dream city) whenever I want. I certainly am glad that after these six months, I still walk bump into people because am too busy staring at the sky scrappers, I like that my mouth drops every time I go to 5th Avenue, I like that no matter how many times I pass the same places I see on TV I can still hear the excitement in my shrills. Every day, I know that I am blessed to be exactly where I have always wanted to be, I am reminded that the visa woes are not in my cards, and that God has opened doors for me that no man on earth can ever close.   

After the bumpy start off, the promises of God had not wavered one bit. See, I have met some of the most humble, beautiful souls in this place who have gone above and beyond for me expecting nothing in return. There's my bus friend with a heavy mexican accent but she's got the kindest eyes ever. (I reckon she is 45 years but because of life she looks 54) It began with a simple 'hi' and the rest was history, I now know that every 9pm, I have a seat reserved for me on the bus courtesy of her. I may not understand half the things she tells me (Spanish accent meets Ugandan accent) but we do share stories and laugh at how many buses go before ours. Such a delightful woman. 

My sister has finally made friends, and they are pretty awesome too. I mean these kids have big hearts...they are what we would call 'young and free' with absolutely no care in the world. She is in such good company and I don't have to worry about her anymore. More than making friends, she has become a beacon of light attracting everyone to her. Like wherever you see a small crowd of awkward teenagers, you definitely know she is there, she is in her place. She has such a presence and I like that. she is so boss.:-)

I too have made friends, mostly way older than me and we haven't reached that stage of 'braiding our hair' but they are the kind of people who encourage, who inspire, who are wise, who want the best for you and above all, who will do almost anything to get you to that place where you need to be. I think we all need those kind of selfless people in our lives.

Most importantly, I have found my church... It is amazing how much life changes for the best when you spend time in the house of God, when you throw your hands up in the air and worship like you just don't care (well...because you actually don't care), when you serve on a team (I always despised people who wore sneakers on anything that wasn't a gym attire but I have found a new appreciation for sneakers, volunteers everywhere stand for long hours but it is so worth it!), when you go out of your way to make some one feel special, when you are putting in all you have got in return for absolutely nothing... I am grateful and humbled that I had people who did that for me when I first started attending hillsong NYC, and now, I get to pay it forward. I love my church because they have taught me the true character of Jesus.

Now I am going back to Uganda (my home always) for a few weeks, something I didn't expect so soon but I am very expectant and excited about it. I have been dreaming about eating chapatis and groundnuts (hunger games...I wish it was grasshopper season though), I cannot wait to sit in my car, oh-my-life! I have missed my car's engine!(yeah, who misses that?) I am going to see the family and friends I never got to see, I am going to meet my new friends, I am going to my favourite restaurant Bistro (hoping it still exists, hey... Kampala changes over night), I am going to get my research on some NGOs done (an opportunity to meet inspiring people) and I am going to purposely enjoy my time at home and make it memorable for myself.

Life point: Do not limit your dreams, dare to dream the impossible. If you can do it with almost no difficulty then clearly it is not outrageous enough. Ask God for the impossible, ask for the things that literally confuse people, for those things that cause a SITUATION, ask for the things that make history because He is willing to do just that because to man it is impossible but to GOD, it is all things possible. 

If you want to be a robot, well dare to vision that, people may not understand you but that is very okay, who understands themselves anyway? Be crazy in your dreams, be bold in your requests and always always always leave a positive impact on whoever crosses your path...always! You never know when you will be rewarded for your kindness, for your thoughtfulness, for your time, for your expenses, for your generosity... Do not let a life pass you by unchanged. 
Let's frighten ourselves out of our skins with the most sane outrageous dreams and visions. (yes, sane...you really won't become a robot, or cat you know that? why? because that's insane!)

My Bloggables

Before I wrote this post, I had planned to wear some red lipstick, mascara on my eye lashes and feel extremely feminine. Guess what? I am writing this post with nothing but chapped lips and naked eye lashes, and I still feel feminine. I have many bloggable scribbles on my notes app that I am gonna share with you today, and before I go on to write endlessly I want to know this; HOW ARE YOU TODAY? (answer to yourself) and I hope you are fine and happy:-)

Hashtag No new friends: Isn't it strange how we were all at some point just strangers to each other? (let that sink in). I have been seeing this everywhere, and it had me questioning myself why I wasn't part of the frenzy. I didn't even know what the whole 'no new friends' thing meant until google helped me out. Turns out Drake and his crew decided that they don't want new friends, or something along those lines (I had to use metro lyrics to help me understand why, and nope! I don't understand the message behind the song). If I tell myself that 'no new friends', I am certainly going to block awesome people who have the potential to bless me.
A few weeks back, I made a new friend, she is extremely lovely, inspiring, beautiful and if she were an outfit I would want to put her own. (I hope that doesn't sound creepy). Just last week, I met this person who I got along with effortlessly like we had been old friends in another life. After an hour and a half of nothing but abdominal laughter and hurting cheekbones, he had inspired me to be kind, graceful, generous and motivated me to go out and be smart about life. Yes, of course have your inner circle, but do not be so closed off...this is life and people are very volatile. Even those in your inner circle have the potential to do to you the unimaginable and those who could have made the cut to feature in your life might be your heroes. Excuse me Drake and the gang, I refuse to join the 'no new friends' movement.

Insanity: Oh My Life...I finally started the Insanity work out. I underestimated it because I like to consider myself physically fit. (I cannot say that with a straight face. I lie, I am very far from fit) So after the first 6 seconds of the Fit test, your girl was refraining from throwing up in the gym. I cheated my way through that work out and during the 'cool down' stretches my legs were shaking uncontrollably. Could Tanya be any more ambitious? (Chandler style) I wish she could take my body, work it out for me and then kindly return it to me ripped and toned! I am still debating whether I should continue this work out, my body is weak. Anyone out there doing it? I need more motivation.

Be the best version of yourself: I think there is something wrong with inordinately desiring someone else's life. This desire has the ability to bring out the worst in us. When we feel like we are not enough for us, we readily and quickly plot the downfall of others. Our actions are an outward expression of the state of our hearts. We have a habit of calling out each other on social networks (one of my followers (oomf) is a liar, oomf is a cheat, Face book status: I hate backstabbers, I hate villains, I dislike boring people. etc). Hi, excuse me but have you examined yourself? Do we not do half the things we accuse others of doing? No one wants to be around negative energy, it is so draining. Take this challenge and examine what character trait you dislike about yourself. Then, find ways to improve your character. We all have things we do or say that are not healthy for us but we can be better people.

Some things to do to be your best version.
1. Compliment people if you're one of those people who has absolutely nothing nice to say about anything or anyone.
2. Do something good to someone so underserving of your time (preferably someone who has betrayed your trust, someone who has caused you emotional pain)
3. Forgive it all, just forgive and let it go. When we don't forgive we are weighed down with bitterness, resentment, really though, 'ain't no body got time for that.' Choose FREEDOM
4. Let your actions speak louder than your words. I know we have the ability to slay a noble man but we also have the ability to defend a noble man.

You will be contagious...and sometimes the change process might take longer than expected but I promise you the results will be to live for! Change is possible and even when people align you with your past, it won't be for long. Remember, most people are positively inclined...be so good and make your impact permanent.

LIFE as RED

So... last month I asked you guys to send me inspiring stories and I received quite a few stories. A huge THANK YOU to everyone who sent one in. I chose the story you are about to read because it is very close to one of the causes I support. More than that, it is a story showing the fight to stay alive. How do you take a hold of your life when faced with something (an illness) you have no control over? I did some editing but I kept the story true to its source who shall not be revealed. I have been back and forth with this person on what gift to get them...let's just say we might have settled for a warm soda. See the thing about life is, it's not guaranteed. This is why I am always blogging about doing good, being good, living in technicolour, loving relentlessly and not being afraid among other things. This anon person has been there for his friend, given his time, given his heart to love his friend through this terrible infection we would never wish on anyone. For such a heart, I recognise him by sharing his story, and I thank him for trusting me, and letting me share this with you all.


The story of RED.




Red,  is a good friend of mine. At 15 years of age, he discovered that he was HIV positive the most disturbing way.  On his way to school, he passed by his doctor early morning to get a note to exempt him from swimming owing to a knee problem. The doctor wrote him the note and off he went. Before he reached school he decided to open it and it read: "Red, is HIV positive and is under my care." (Put yourself in his shoes. What would have been your reaction?)Anyhow, Red went on to finish high school and proceeded to university.

Fast forward 2011. Red, got sick really sick that he had to check into a hospital to get treatment. But after being admitted for 2 days on malaria drips, there was no sign of improvement. The doctor at the hospital is a good friend of mine and as I sat in his office he started telling me about the new developments in the fight against HIV/AIDS and all. I listened and started adding up the story. It was like he had a hidden message yet somehow I decrypted it. He told me that Red had HIV and needed more than what he was getting...He needed more treatment to keep him alive.

I want you to keep in mind that Red has been on ARV treatment right from primary school, and there is a downside to that. All that time he was taking the medicines, he had never been told what the drugs were really for, well not until the doctor’s note he read at 15. See, that's when he realised what was really going on although it must have been hard to understand. 

Back to 2011, I explained to Red why the doctor thought he was getting better with the treatment he had gotten over the past two days on the drips. He too had a great feeling about that particular treatment.

Red checked out of hospital and went to see his doctor. A well known HIV researcher with worldwide acclamation. The doctor ordered urgent blood tests to check his Viral Loads and CD4 counts plus a blood culture.  When the results came through, the doctor said that they were the most staggering numbers he had seen since 1991. He was admitted immediately and had some counselling done too. (well, get in his head.)

I did not know what to think of or do next. I had seen him in pain before and all this made me realise how the disease could take over your body, your whole being really. Before getting admitted he had been taking probably the most expensive painkillers and antibiotics out there. But you could see how uncomfortable he was. No sleeping, no appetites, weight loss, skin was loose…you name it. Basically this is where you say, S**T JUST GOT REAL! He had less than 2 months to live.

Here’s what happened. Red not knowing what drugs he was taking, wasn’t really serious on taking them appropriately. Every time he got asked whether he was taking the drugs, he said "yes" and it was believed. Even after discovering it at 15, he went on to have a “shady” way of taking the drug. You know how you have a cold and when you get the meds and prescription written 1x2 or 2x3 or whatever they write and then you go ahead and give yourself a time frame? Say for 5 days? And on the 3^rd day you feel better and decide to call the medicines off? That’s essentially what was going on. He had been given prescriptions but he thought to himself, 'you know what? why not take them today, and the next, skip some days and maybe take some the following week' he would even go months without taking his pills.

Red met with the counsellor who asked him to explain what was really going on. (You know shrink talk). The counsellor discovered  that Red was not the happiest guy out there. He had been angry for a long time and  by long time I mean from the time he made the discovery (at 15), he was angry at not being told, at how the truth was kept from him, who was/is to blame, what is next for him in life, was death around the corner? He was afraid, and he was angry that it was him, besides the drugs gave him some serious side effects.

He was admitted yet again and his drugs were changed to simpler ones with less side effects.

A month in the ward had gone by and he had a test to check his blood again. Progress!!!!!!!! I couldn’t have been any happier.

I asked the doctor, 'what's the worst that can happen to him?' He answered, 'death, but he has just cheated it.' I went in to see Red and he wasn’t really happy but after seeing progress with the treatment, he was starting to cheer up. Personally, I live by this statement, “The will to live is stronger than anything else”.

  

Fast forward 2013(YES, 2013!!!!!!!). Red did another check to see how much progress he had made. There was something wrong again. The number that had dipped almost 70% was growing again.

Once again, I was concerned so I went and asked the doctor what was REALLY going on. The doctor told me that Red was not taking his pills. I think Red is not to blame for that back tracking. Basically, essential information had been left out, he was not told: 1) why it is necessary to take the drug. 2) why should it be taken on time. 3) what are the consequences of failing to take the drug.

I too studied the numbers with the doctor and asked him what REALLY happens if he were to miss one dose? His answer just confirmed all my fears...there's only one way to end this story with HIV/AIDS. Yes, many people have gone on to live longer lives with the infection but also many people have gone before their time. 

The doctor understood that he was at fault for not laying everything out on the table.

Ironically, I read your blog asking for a story while I was seated at the hospital with him.

Well, long story cut short, we are not yet at the magic numbers, but with the WILL, we will hit the jackpot.

THE END. 

My thoughts

  

I know at some point we all have to leave the earth, but the only difference is, with HIV/AIDS you are more aware of what might end your life. I pray that Red will feel better soon and overcome the fears, I can't begin to imagine what he must be going through. Sometimes there are things that we will never understand this side of eternity.